TRUE FRIENDS OR PERFECT STRANGERS?

Seth Godin posted a thought-proving blog entry about Dunbar’s 150 friend theory.  If you’re not familiar with Dunbar’s 150 friend theory, put simply it’s the fact that the human brain is hardwired for no more than 150 ‘friend’ connections. Anything more than that and we phase friends out to achieve stasis at 150 friends.

So according to Dunbar and Godin…those Facebook and Twitter accounts with 489 friends, 1,865 followers and related social networking metrics just aren’t working. According to this theory, it’s impossible to have meaningful relationships with more than 150 friends. Period.  So 338 Facebook Friends are really acquaintances, or annoyances, or other…but not necessarily “friends”.

Which is absolutely true.  The problem is that people see the term “Friend” and think “Friend.”

In the social networking world, it’s not really the same thing.

Friend or Acquaintance?

While I don’t want to insult the many people who follow, friend or otherwise connect with me through professional interactions, do you honestly consider me your ‘friend?’ Or do you follow me for another reason?

Right now I have 243 “friends” on Facebook.  When I look through my connections, here are the general categories of people I’m “friends” with on Facebook:

• Family and close friends: relatives and people I am actually close friends with in the ‘real’ world. These are people I’d meet for coffee, people I’ve worked with and kept in touch with, and folks I hang out with offline.
• Clients, business associates and colleagues: colleagues from my regular writing gig, editors I work with,  my attorney and my accountant are all ‘friends’ of mine on Facebook. Lovely people all, and people I enjoy hearing from for a variety of reasons, but not true “friends”.  Do they know my favorite color? Have we shared a laugh or two? I respect my attorney. I like him as a business associate. I couldn’t imagine inviting him out for a cup of coffee, or meeting my accountant for a shopping date.
• Other consultants and coaches I follow: Instead of “friends”, they should properly be called “competitors”.  I follow them to hear what they have to say, to learn from them, but also to see what they’re up to.
• Miscellaneous folks: Bloggers I like, writers I admire, and more…people I have never met, but with whom I interact daily through the magic of Facebook.

So are all 243 people my friends? Loosely defined, perhaps.  But in the traditional sense of the word? No.

Facebook needs to add another category than “friend.”

My Rolodex

On my desk is a battered Rolodex that I’ve carted off from job to job since I first began working in 1988.  It’s got over 300 cards in it, and I’ve purged it repeatedly.

Are those 300+ cards “friends?” No, but they’re part of my business network, my connections.  They form a bridge to information. They’re people with whom I’ve done business, would like to do business, or who might wish to do business with me.

I liken my Facebook, Twitter, and Linked In networks to my card file.  I’m on best friend terms with only a handful of folks in my card file; the rest might know my name and even be happy to hear from me on occasion but they’re not going to remember my birthday or the fact that I don’t like chocolate very much and really love vanilla.

Social networking is about forging connections and links, sharing information and relating to a wider circle of acquaintances. Most of us use it in the hopes of generating business.  We participate in discussions, engage in debate, share contacts and sometimes sales pitches.  We might make an online ‘friend’ or two, someone with whom we feel a special kinship, but it’s quite a different matter from a real life friend who takes your call at 2 a.m. when Fluffy the cat dies or who lets you use her washing machine when yours conks out and the baby spit up over all his clean clothes.

I don’t delude myself into thinking that those 243 people on Facebook are “friends”.  Facebook chose the term; I didn’t.  About 50 people are, however, cherished friends, so I guess I fall well within the 150 limit. Since I come from a huge family, I’ll save the other 100 slots for family; they’ll fill them in no time at all.

So what do you think? Are your business social networking site “friends” true friends? Or do you view your social networking activities like your card file?

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TRUE FRIENDS OR PERFECT STRANGERS?